Don't let it bring you down...

So i am back into writing. I am happy about it... so what have i been up to all this time? Changing into who I am becoming. I am writing some new songs... hopefully getting them to the appropraite people who could assist with my music career. I love music. I breathe music... dream it. My song of choice is by one of my favorite recording artists, Neil Young. Its called "Don't let it bring you down." this is actually how i feel. To not let things bother me so much. There is something rewarding with allowing things to burn away.

Back in black....

so im here and ready to start again maybe on a more frequent basis. I dont know what to say except that im going through a dark time in my life.  Theres so much id like to do and so many limitations of being on disability. id like to better record some songs and send the demos to a record label. id like to build a guitar. i have so many ambitions and so little time. im on the verge of being 30 and i feel like most of my life has been a daydream. no music today but i will put some up at a later time. who could know the sorrows of anothers heart? all of us know because we all have sorrows. im back in black as in mourning a loss i dont even comprehend.

What is art?

Hi, again I just wanted to share some art with you and some music.

This is John Jude Palencar's work of art. I call it The Dreamer based on a song I love by Judas Priest, But I think it is actually called "Trader" I'm not for certain. But I love his works.

Here is more art:

This one is of my own work and it reminds me of a horror movie.

This one reminds me of loss for three reasons, I painted it thinking of what my ex liked in faery world of Brian Froud, my sister and my relationship fell apart around this time, someone stole this from me at a homeless shelter. It was my fault I got in his car and I left my damn backpack in his car. Damn you Michael Issacs, Daaryl Issacs brother! Stranger than fiction. Anyway I may not write tomorrow. I'm going to a concert with my friend. The Hookers wooooooo! I'll leave you with a video by them called "Teenage Blood"

Blood and Roses....

Today I want people to love me. I mean, I want to allow others to love me and not be so intent on forcing them to. I'm just a very aggressive, intense person and whoever I was with I would force everything onto them and never allow them to love me. I ended up pushing a lot of people away. I was never taught how to love properly. I didn't know you couldn't MAKE someone love you. I thought if I put all of my intesity into the relationship, it'd make them love me more. I was terribly wrong. I just want to love and be loved.

My movie for today is Moulin Rouge for apparent reasons.

My song pick for today is Blood and Roses by The Smithereens

I also want to say that I never knew love correctly, I had some bad relationships, not just bad lovers, but bad family, bad friends. I never got to be myself at all. My other movie for today would be Little Darlings, it's about growing up too soon and disappointment.

My second song pick is Anathema

the song is "One Last Goodbye"

We got higher than a Churches spires...

I feel a natural high and zest for life I never had before. I feel renewed. I had better get some rest because I want to go to church tomorrow. But I can't bring myself to sleep just yet. I want to talk to you, my dear readers. I want to share my life with you, mistakes and all... My mother was always tied down to someone and she never got to be free, My dad was alone most of his later years and he was the most interesting traveler, having been in the navy and knowing all the cool spots and backroads. I think my mom was only free once and she still had us kids to deal with... she worked swing 16 hour shifts at the nursing home and was gorgeous and didn't realize how much her own worth was and got caught up with the wrong men all the time. I myself, thought love was grand and had problems getting involved with sponge women that took my heart and soul, and my money. I felt like that was what you did at the time, but now I see that I always gave them so much I never had a thing for myself. Only looking back do I see all the stupid things I had done, with a lot of regret. Now I am alone and pretty content. I feel the lonliness kick in sometimes and the desire for human contact and just talking to a woman every now and again, but I'm kind of relieved for the most part. No lies, no jealousy, no mind games because I choose not to play the game of love. Lust would not be out of the question, but no more love for me. I let it dust on the shelf and no longer need that kind of love or want it.

I just want to live and be adventurous and have all my friends around. I don't want to opt out of socializing completely, but there is just too many let downs in love. I've been beaten, cheated on, and manipulated. I stood back and looked at the scars of a once loving, caring person and saw it resembled too much of my emotional mother. I try NOT to get attached but there are still a few regrets. I regret that I ever dated anyone. I regret that my exes don't have good feelings towards me now, most of them. I regret having sex when I was younger and giving my virginity to someone who did not appreciate it. I regret so many things. Most of all I regret that one of my past loves did not work out. I thought she was flawed perfection. I thought she was immensely beautiful. She was my world and my world fell apart. I still think of her often, but I know she hates me. Oh well, enough depressing shit. It just reminds me of Gold Dust Woman and that is my pick of today.

And that's exactly what happened. My illusion of love got shattered. I used to believe that love existed. But now I see that I am alone no matter who I am with. No one can understand another completely, but when they don't even try to understand it's even worse.

My pearl of wisdom to you today, reader, is to beware of all consuming relationships even if you are under the impression it is love. Stop caring so much about other people to the point of jealous obsession and go on a nature retreat and get in touch with your inner being. Or God, or something outside of yourself that is very healthy like volunteering at a homeless shelter, picking litter off the highway or listening to music or anything to take your mind off of putting someone on a high pedestal and making assumptions, jumping to conclusions, etc.

Write a blog even! Write in a journal!

People are made to disappoint each other at some time or another because we are all different in some way or form. I've learned a lot about focusing my energies elsewhere. My second pick of song is Sarah Jaffe "The Pretender" I love her.

My movie choice would be Another Earth if I haven't mentioned that already.

Thanks for reading as always!

Punk rock masturbation

                                                        The Buzzcocks "Orgasm Addict"

The Dead Boys "Sonic Reducer"

Zombie "Meet me in the Graveyard"

The Cramps "What's Inside a Girl?"

The Misfits "Last Caress"

If you can't take the heat, get out of Hell

I just want to put some videos up for today. My first pick would be "Welcome to my Nightmare" by Alice Cooper.

The secon pick is "You hate me and I hate you" by GG Allin and the Jabbers

My third pick is "That's when I reach for my revolver" by Mission of Burma

   I'm in the mindset today of just saying fuck the small shit and let me focus on the bigger picture of my life.

My movie pick for today would be Cataclysmic Abyss. It's a skateboard film with my favorite skateboarders in it. Corey Duffel specifically:

My fourth song pick is "Born to lose" by Social Distortion. It's one of my theme songs

         

No you don't get no second chance. You have one life, one chance, and endless possibilities. Do I want to change the world? I wish I could, but right now I just want to change my underwear.

Thank you for reading!