We got higher than a Churches spires...

I feel a natural high and zest for life I never had before. I feel renewed. I had better get some rest because I want to go to church tomorrow. But I can't bring myself to sleep just yet. I want to talk to you, my dear readers. I want to share my life with you, mistakes and all... My mother was always tied down to someone and she never got to be free, My dad was alone most of his later years and he was the most interesting traveler, having been in the navy and knowing all the cool spots and backroads. I think my mom was only free once and she still had us kids to deal with... she worked swing 16 hour shifts at the nursing home and was gorgeous and didn't realize how much her own worth was and got caught up with the wrong men all the time. I myself, thought love was grand and had problems getting involved with sponge women that took my heart and soul, and my money. I felt like that was what you did at the time, but now I see that I always gave them so much I never had a thing for myself. Only looking back do I see all the stupid things I had done, with a lot of regret. Now I am alone and pretty content. I feel the lonliness kick in sometimes and the desire for human contact and just talking to a woman every now and again, but I'm kind of relieved for the most part. No lies, no jealousy, no mind games because I choose not to play the game of love. Lust would not be out of the question, but no more love for me. I let it dust on the shelf and no longer need that kind of love or want it.

I just want to live and be adventurous and have all my friends around. I don't want to opt out of socializing completely, but there is just too many let downs in love. I've been beaten, cheated on, and manipulated. I stood back and looked at the scars of a once loving, caring person and saw it resembled too much of my emotional mother. I try NOT to get attached but there are still a few regrets. I regret that I ever dated anyone. I regret that my exes don't have good feelings towards me now, most of them. I regret having sex when I was younger and giving my virginity to someone who did not appreciate it. I regret so many things. Most of all I regret that one of my past loves did not work out. I thought she was flawed perfection. I thought she was immensely beautiful. She was my world and my world fell apart. I still think of her often, but I know she hates me. Oh well, enough depressing shit. It just reminds me of Gold Dust Woman and that is my pick of today.

And that's exactly what happened. My illusion of love got shattered. I used to believe that love existed. But now I see that I am alone no matter who I am with. No one can understand another completely, but when they don't even try to understand it's even worse.

My pearl of wisdom to you today, reader, is to beware of all consuming relationships even if you are under the impression it is love. Stop caring so much about other people to the point of jealous obsession and go on a nature retreat and get in touch with your inner being. Or God, or something outside of yourself that is very healthy like volunteering at a homeless shelter, picking litter off the highway or listening to music or anything to take your mind off of putting someone on a high pedestal and making assumptions, jumping to conclusions, etc.

Write a blog even! Write in a journal!

People are made to disappoint each other at some time or another because we are all different in some way or form. I've learned a lot about focusing my energies elsewhere. My second pick of song is Sarah Jaffe "The Pretender" I love her.

My movie choice would be Another Earth if I haven't mentioned that already.

Thanks for reading as always!